On a Personal Note

In today’s op-ed, I would like to touch on a subject that I have in the past many times over: relationships and dating.

For you today, I do not have much in the way of new research, but I do have a personal note. Truthfully, this would be an effort at sympathizing with everyone in the world who dates. As I’ve stated before on this blog, dating is not a frequent activity for me, so once again, when I again went through the many signals, the feeling of hope for a relationship, and yet the eventual end, I had to realize that everyone else goes through this as well.

When I was speaking to a friend of mine last week that informed me of the amount of people he had to see before he met and started seeing the woman who would eventually be his wife, I breathed deeply in dread. The sheer effort that goes through continuously finding people whom you don’t like, or whom don’t like you is astonishing. I find it difficult for anyone out there who would not want to fool themselves into thinking they have dated more people than they really have so that they could inflate the number and psyche themselves into thinking “Statistically, the next one has a high chance of being the one.”

My married friends tell me that the rollercoaster of emotions does not get any easier because every relationship has its own share of emotional highs and lows. Nevertheless, what keeps a relationship together is good times far outweigh the bad.

Still, some relationships end (for good or bad reasons) because enduring it simply costs too much, either emotionally or otherwise, and the cost of disappointing someone ends up being trivial.

However, we all go through this together, including those that have to do the “dumping.” In fact, since most people believe in free will, this person who has to dump someone probably thinks to themselves that they have control over how that person is going to feel through the choice of ending the relationship, or not. I can imagine this is a burden no one would want to carry.

But who is letting go of whom? I recently spoke to my “masters degree in communication” friend Kevin on an unidentified communication theory that describes six perceptions of self:

• The me that I am

• The me that I think am

• The me that others think I am

• The me that I think others think I am

• The me that others think I think others think I am

• The me that I think others think of what others think I think I am.

So, not only are we dealing with another person, but we are dealing with our own perceptions of self and others. That is to say, even who I think I am, is not who I actually am. If this confuses you, don’t worry because hardly anyone thinks of this while they date, not even communications majors. A long story short, if you are perceived to carry a personality trait that you may or may not actually have, it does not matter; you may as well have it.

For example, if you have not had a date in years, and your timidity and nervousness are there for the sole reason of inexperience, your date may perceive your nervousness as an overall deficiency of your personality. Those are unfortunately, the breaks. Don’t believe me? Then why have men come up with silly rules such as, “Don’t call until two days are the first date”? These rules exist for the perception of power. What can be seen from this is that the power of perception truly lives, and if Scott Ginsberg has anything to say about it, you better know how to sell yourself, and do it quickly. In dating, it does not matter who you are, but who others think you are.

But for those of you who do what you can with whom you are as honestly as possible, it’s tough, I know, but you will get through it, and I certainly still believe that the free market of dating will take care of everyone in the end.