Monday, August 14, 2006


I say it’s about time, and some others may still question my sanity. Nevertheless, I called it. Let me set all this up.

What has come to me as conclusion of my accuracy? It is
this post from Jacqueline Passey. Before I go on, let me first say I HAVE NOT contacted Ms. Passey at any point in my lifetime. So, at the end of her post where she makes comments about stalkers and a bunch of weirdoes contacting her, I can thankfully count myself out of that crowd. Second, I called it. I made mention of my crush, and apparently everyone on the internet decided to jump on the bandwagon. The only thing that separates me from all of those other people is that I knew trying to contact Ms. Passey would only be an action done in vain. Also, that post shows that I was right to be so self-deprecating. And if you read Ms. Passey’s post, you’ll see why I was (and apparently still am) right about how much I suck with women.

With that said, let’s get on to the heart of the subject. This post was a long time coming from Jacqueline. She
time and time again made mention that she didn’t want to be around people (although she’s gotten over this), or look for a relationship. Jacqueline has now apparently gotten fed up with the amount of dudes looking for love.

So, let’s see how I called it. If at a social environment (i.e. bar, etc.) many close friends and acquaintances of mine would normally tell me go for it, and ask her out. But I would say, “No, I don’t think she’d like me.” I also want to take this opportunity to show how smart I am for never having contacted her in the first place (as it would be done only in vain). My friends would then tell me, “Mike, how do you know that she doesn’t like you?” Well, my friends, your question will now be answered.

I will now show you request by request (or demand by demand if you’d like) how I called all of this. I’ll of course be using
her post as a guideline. This is what she wants:

  • Men who are fit: Am I? I’m 5’11”, weigh 155, and play tennis as frequently as I can, but I don’t know exactly what her criteria is for fitness.
  • Attractive: If past history dictates anything about a prevailing market (which even though it shouldn’t, it usually does), then the dating market to me would prove that I am as attractive as a halibut.
  • Intelligent: Sure, I have a four year degree in finance, and a minor in economics, but who doesn’t these days. Today, you can send away four box-tops from Lucky Charms cereals boxes, wait 6-8 weeks, and then get your diploma in the mail. And if you really want to get specific with IQ (she said worse case scenario, hers is 130) then I’m not even sure the scale would go low enough to quantify mine. The simple fact that I’ve never had my IQ measured shows that I’m probably not up to her standards.
  • Educated: I made a joke using Lucky Charms; I do not believe anything else needs to be said.
  • Financially Successful: I’m not. I have a job I like, a car I like, but the problem is that I’m sure Ms. Passey would rather me make more money than I currently do.

Ms. Passey goes on to say that she can add on “all sorts of additional requirements” if she wants to. So, I’d like to address those…

  • Must be atheist: I have no way of fighting that one. I believe God’s out there, somewhere, terrorizing me with females on the internet whose sole purpose on earth is to show everyone how much better they are than me.
  • Must be Libertarian: The problem with that one is that I don’t know if I am or not. Sure, I love the free-market, but so does Arnold Kling, a libertarian and a person whom I respect. But if I’m not mistaken, I think Arnold may have called for the killing of an entire type of people.
  • Must not want (more) children: Okay, hey, I won one. Although that means that my family name would then cease. But, some people might think of that as a good thing.
  • Must be financially independent or self-employed and available for frequent world travel, etc.: Wow, um, man, I’m screwed now. Maybe I’m financially independent, although lets just say no. Self-employed, no. Frequent world travel, as long as it doesn’t go above my miniscule two-week vacation.

Okay, now that we’ve done that, why don’t I score myself? Well, one good reason not to score myself is that I haven’t quantified any of this. So, I’ll just use an arbitrary system based on a 100 point total. I think that with only the first demands looked at, I scored a 65 out of 100. I was going to give myself a 59, but I speak Greek, and I thought it was cool that I was fluently bilingual, something that Ms. Passey is not (yet). With her other added on restrictions, my score I think it would probably come out to 47 out of 100. Why? Because according to Ms. Passey's guidelines, I suck.

Later on in her post, Ms. Passey writes, “I realize that some of you will find this post depressing because you’ll realize that you don’t qualify as a high quality man and thus won’t be able to get a high quality woman.” What’s really sad here is that I became depressed BEFORE she made this post. It’s just the way I am with women. What her post does do is prove that I have been right about my “product qualities” in the dating market all along.

So, Ms. Passey, while
your post has probably sent me and many other unfortunate people like me off to suicide, I do want to close by writing this: You are right, but then again, so am I.

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